My Muse & Mind Meanderings

On and Off

2012-01-22T10:40:00.000-08:00

I am on and off as far as my goals.
On: I am writing...Off: but not as often as I would like.
On: I am eating better...Off: but still not losing much (1/2 lb. so far).
On: I am exercising...Off: but only 30-40 min/day instead of 1 hr/day.
On: I am more organized.
On: I am maintaining my home.
Off: I am not keeping in touch with my friends as much as I wanted to.
There is still another week of January, so I am going to try to improve even more. :)
Happy 2012!

Unfinished Projects and Beginning Prospects

2012-01-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

Starting a new book. I have been wanting to write, but planned to finish up some stories that have already been started before moving on. Only, my Muse has other plans and this story will not leave me. Oh, well. The Muse knows best!
If I only listened to my Muse (and had more time to do so), I would not have so many unfinihsed projects. Maybe. I think it is more that I fear finishing because then I will have to put them out there. I know the ending to some, but just have a hard time putting the words down.
I think it is the year to finish things up! I am not going to have a bunch of goals, but the goals I have are important ones. (I think I have previously posted the usual goals...) This one is a toughie for me because I am not sure about sharing certain works with others. But it is time!!
And, I am still starting this one. It will not leave me, and it must be written. It is a serial, I am pretty sure. I have always wanted to do a series, but did not think I could. Yet, this one has so many offshoots that I do not see how one book can hold all of it. So, I am excited over this one.
I hope you can read it by the end of the year! I am finishing something - hopefully several.
Next step, publishing!

Consciously Choosing

2012-01-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

We are continuously making choices...usually without even thinking about it. If we are consistently choosing to make the right choice, we are doing well. Unfortunately, it is not something that we do without effort.
When we consciously choose, we are thinking about we are doing. When we get out of bed, rolling out and shuffling to the bathroom and meandering into the kitchen to begin our day, we are not consciously choosing. We are just following habits that we have created for ourselves. It will take practice in order to break the habit – and it will take consciously choosing to do so. It may not be a bad idea to set the alarm to go off a few minutes earlier. When we wake up, we should ponder things for a moment.
For example, I like to think on what I am thankful for first, then about how I will plan out my day. I stretch, get up and make the bed, then think some more about things as I go on my merry way. When I do this, I am more in control about how and what I choose – not just the things that I will do, but the way in which I will act and react. This greatly affects my mood. I can be so tired that I have to really put effort into having a good day, but when I choose to do so, things go so much smoother. There will be problems, but how I act (and react) will determine how I feel.
We tend to allow ourselves to get into a bad mood, and then everything seems worse than what it really is. By choosing to see things more positively, we can change how bad life seems to be.
Is your cup half full, or half empty? It is all about perspective! I challenge you to consciously choose – consistently!

Writing in My Mind

2012-01-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

I have so many stories to tell - to write! I have them play out in my mind continually. I am always on some adventure or journey...and in my mind, I can always rewrite what does not work!
I love the way that these things play out - these stories that no one else will never read. But I also have some that push and prod in my thoughts and expand outward to be written. These are to be shared. I am just at a point where I have to find the time to do so.
Writing in my mind is much easier than writing onto paper or computer page...I go at my own pace and can pause whenever I need to without saving. I love it!
Always, I am a writer!

Happy New Year!!

2012-01-01T14:24:00.001-08:00

I am going to try to stay on top of things better this year.

I did not meet my goals for 2011, but have simpler plans for 2012.

1. Be healthier - be more fit, eat better (more nutritious, healthier food instead of just whatever I want), and stay emotionally healthy.

2. Spiritually, figure out what I want to do with my relationship with God.

3. Write. Make it a priority (like I'm always saying I will do), and do it! So many ideas, so little time!

I will still make family a priority, but if I do not look after myself, I'm going to end up lifeless and dull. I need to do what I need to do so I can take care of them optimally. (I always put EVERYONE before myself, but no more in 2012!! I'm going to learn to say "no" when I need to and spend that time taking care of what I need to take care of.)

I have cut down on my social networking, but I do want to spend a bit of time on Twitter with writers' groups this year. Connecting with them will keep me in the writing zone. And I really miss them!

I have not lost the 60 pounds, nor have I sent anything into the publisher, but I am going to get onto both of those goals and hopefully meet them by the summer. There is still time...

I am going to spend less time beating myself up and more time encouraging myself to get things done as they need to be.

Happy New Year!! :)

"Blogged" down

2011-09-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

I had really good stuff for August, but the blog didn't post them. :( Unfortuneately, I didn't copy and paste - and the save feature didn't work. :( But, here is the low down (and I will copy this to a separate place -jic! lol):
August was a month of rebirth for me. I went through quite a bit and learned a few things. I was very sick, and was unable to exercise. So, I decided to set some goals.
1: Lose 60 pounds by the end of the school year.
2: Tone up by end of school year -just in time for Summer! ;)
3: At least try to publish a work by the end of this year.
All of these goals are possible - I only need to set my mind to them.
I've been wading through the waters, but being sick showed me that if I don't stay on top of things, I will be pushed down into the depths and eventually will not be able to come back up to the surface.
So, whatever you are doing - do it to your best and strive for even more. There is no meaning in a mediocre life! Good luck!!

World War Z

2011-07-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

I recently read World War Z by Max Brooks after a recommendation from a friend. I must say that I quite enjoyed the book.
I was overjoyed when I heard that there is a project in the works to bring the book to life - until I read that it is planning to be a movie. I was so disappointed! There is no way that a movie will be able to accurately portray the stories within this book.
The best way to do this work justice would be a series. Maybe on AMC or ScyFy...but one in which there could be a united tie that runs through each of the substories that are put forth weekly. That way, each of the stories within the book could be made into episodes that stand alone, yet are able to fit together. This would not let viewers down, nor would it disappoint fans of the book.
The series could be extended by adding more stories and/or adding onto the ones in the book to update some of those which were left a bit vague.
It would be so refreshing to see something really good from a book. It seems the only things that are really good are coming from Graphic Novels. Not complaining about that - just miss the books!

Change

2011-06-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

Change. I don't like change. I need to find a new job, but it is such a bad time for changing jobs. I am one of those people who will stay put and be mistreated rather than find another job because at least I know what to expect, but... I think I am going to have to go.
Looking is easy...it is the actual trying that I find difficult. When something seems promising, I get so nervous and have a hard time breathing. I get so afraid. Of what? CHANGE! I don't understand how I can get so ridiculous! I tell myself it is nothing to worry about and should even be good for me, but I spaz!
So, my goal for the next little bit is to continue working on my book, love where I am at the moment, and embrace change as I search for something better - somewhere that I can be appreciated and not have my ideas tramped on.

Still Writing...

2011-06-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

Life is still being life - too busy to breathe - and yet, I am still writing. I find myself stuck in the mud often in this journey through te dirt roads of my past. It is tough writing about things that are so personal, so true, so painful. It causes me to stop and remember, to smile, to cry. I am sometimes overwhelmed by the grief of things that seem to have happened only yesterday, and, on rare occasions, I am overjoyed by the faint scent of happiness from those days. A happiness untarnished by the ills of the world.
Yes, I am neglecting my blog (and even twitter! lol) as I shut out the world and travel down the gritty, unpaved road that I must take if I am to write this story. I will return, and hopefully be better than I ever was before, when my journey is complete. I will pop in from time to time, but my life seems tied to this story and it is hard to find anything to "discuss" in my blog when my musings are all focused in one area. I loathe to be a COMPLETE bore! lol So...for now, I'm still writing. :)

Writing Woes

2011-05-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

It seems that no matter how much I plan, I never have enough time to write. I get started, and get interrupted. I think I need a new plan!
I am going to set aside an hour per evening just to write. Nothing else. If I wait until the kids go to bed, I should be able to have some time.
My problem usually seems to be more of not stopping once I start, but I think it will be worth not sleeping to get out a good tale! ;)

Projects

2011-03-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

How come it always seems that writing gets put on the back burner? My writing has to wait behind of my children's projects, my husband's projects, and even my own projects Always, there are also things that other people throw on me. Ugh!
I have projects at work that unceasingly manage their way home with me. I have deadlines to meet. If I put a deadline on my writing, would I prioritize it more highly? Hmmm.... Writing is not only what I do, it is who I am. I am constantly writing - even if I cannot pour out a novel. Just today, I wrote a few pagss of short story as I listened to a presentation. I could not help it. Everyone thought I was merely taking a lot of notes, but, no, I was writing! I cannot escape it!
So, maybe I really am writing. Maybe all of these little bits of pieces will some day come together. Maybe. Just maybe.

OMG! Really?!

2011-03-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

OMG! Really?! Has it really been that long since I've posted - AGAIN?!!
Okay...life consumes my time, but I have really got to do better than this! lol
I was thinking that (OMG! Really?!)and it brought to my memory a couple of teens in heated conversation recently. They were so consumed with another girl's life - not their own lives. Evidently, this girl had worn pink socks with her slacks. That was the end of the world. The girl looked fine to me (though I, admittedly, am no fashion diva). She had on black slacks and a pale pink dress top, pale pink socks, and dress shoes. I had to actually squint to see that they were pink.
A lady approached the duo and said, "It really isn't nice to gossip," looking down her nose at the youngsters.
They immediately became defensive, as one replied: "Oh, no, no, no! We weren't gossiping...we were just talking!" The other nodded in agreement, "Yeah...just girl talk."
The lady gave one more look down upon them and walked away, the girls giggling as soon as her back was turned.
"Yeah...I mean, we were not gossiping. That would be like talking about ____'s pregnancy or something serious like that," one said, at once serious.
"OMG, did you hear about ____ being the father?"
"No way! OMG! Really?!"
At this point, I mangaged to maneuver far enough away to escape their "talking" and their "gossiping." I wonder, when, presisely, does talking become gossip in the minds of these girls? lol

Swallowed

2011-02-19T07:27:00.000-08:00

I need to leave, but there's nowhere to go -
I feel like I'm swallowed by a big black hole.
I want to run, but there's nowhere to hide -
I can't get away...I've already tried."

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well, it is Valentine's Day and I am still on track with most of my goals. I am behind on my work load and social networking, but am doing well otherwise.

I had a unique chance to hear several people talking about Valentine's Day and thought I would pen that today.
Several of these things were in conversation at work, on public transportation, and even overheard in a restaurant. The last couple are my own family. It seems that today means so many different things!
There are married couples who wish they were never married, yet feel the love just for today.
There are more singles talking about the hated and dreaded holiday that is so against them.
There are scores of couples who use the day to connect and remember the past and why they still love each other.
One guy uses this day to apologize for being a screw-up to his girl.
A woman who has been married for several years suddenly remembers why and cherishes her husband.
Oh, yes...and the little ones. "Why am I the only one without a Valentine?! Even my 5 year old brother has a girlfriend!" says one 5th grader. Her brother smiles and colors a Valentine for his girl. (Neither are allowed to have relationships of that type - but he gets away with it because he is young. She is frustrated because the boy she likes also likes her, but she cannot do anything about it.)
I enjoy today because I get to really focus on what my husband and children mean to me; how much I love them for who and what they are - and what they aren't. They are mine - and that is all that matters.

Week 3

2011-01-20T17:44:00.000-08:00

I am doing well and staying on track. It is something I have to constantly bring to mind. I catch myself being discouraged over new health issues and stumblingblocks in my path, but I am determined and I am overcoming! Slow progress is better than no progress!
I hope everyone is doing well meeting their goals. I would love to hear how you are doing and what tips you have for keeping on track! ;)
My tips:
1. Renew your commitment daily.
2. Do not give up! One bad day is merely an opportunity to do better the next.
3. Capture your thoughts - keep positive and remind yourself who you want to be.

So Far, So Good

2011-01-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I have officially made it through the first 7 days of the new year sticking to my goals. It is always easy that first week though.
I hope that I can keep positive and not lose my focus.
Good luck to all of you and your resolutions! How are you holding up so far?

New Year Goals

2011-01-02T13:59:00.000-08:00

I have come up with some simple New Year goals that I can live with that will make my life better:

1. Limit social networking. Facebook and Twitter really eat my time up. I must see these as what they are - luxuries.

2. Eat more vegetables and less fats. Simple. I must have the daily recommended amount of veggies. I also will only have a small amount of "junk" and no "junk" after 3:00. I will limit carbs after 3:00. I will eat protein at evening meals when possible, or just veggies.

3. Exercise. I love to work out (especially Bellydance and Kickboxing), but often lack the time. I must prioritize to get it in daily - 30 minutes in January per day, and back up to an hour per day beginning in February. If I don't lose a pound, I will still look better, feel better, and get sick less.

4. I will make time for quality family time. I will appreciate my family and friends and show it.

5. God has to have time as well. If I don't make time for Him, I will not be successful in attaining my goals.

Those are my resolutions for 2011. I will reflect on them daily and keep up with them. I wanted no more than five so they would be manageable. I can't wait until the end of the year - to look back and see how far I have come!

2010 At an End

2010-12-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that 2010 is already at an end! It has been a year of setbacks for me - not much writing accomplished; too much work; not enough family time...
Reflection on the year has made me aware of the changes I must make in 2011. I am not going to go for the usual genearalized resolutions that get me nowhere. I will carefully choose each one and start each day reading each for motivation. I hope that next year at this time I can honestly say that I have accomplished much.
Yet, accomplishing requires doing. You cannot sit on the couch and murmur that you will do it tomorrow. Do it now! Get up! Yes, I am talking to myself!! lol
I hope that all of you can look back on 2010 and realize that you have surpassed most or all of your goals, but if you haven't - there is always 2011! :D

Rope

2010-12-23T07:13:00.000-08:00

He breaks me to pieces
There is no hope;
The fury he unleashes -
Where is my rope?

How can he tear me
And break me apart?
Does he not care?
Does he have no heart?

I have been so broken,
But surely I heal.
Yet I am not the same
So messed up from the deal.

Where is my rope?
My salvation, my friend?
A rope can hang
Or I can climb up again.

NaNoWriMo...Not :(

2010-11-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

Not doing so well on NaNoWriMo. Work has had me constantly overworked and I have not motivated myself well enough. I will finish the story, but not by the end of November.
I wonder how I always seem to push aside the things I love to work on projects for everyone else that I don't even want to do! I have already told two that I will discontinue my aid as of the end of the year. I am going to reclaim my life! (Well, at least several hours per week of it! lol)
So...I'll let you know how the story comes along. Who knows? Maybe I'll make it in the last week or so. I doubt it. Deadlines at work. The extra projects. Family. Life. *Sighs* For now, I will be content that I started it - because I always (eventually) finish what I start! So many stories are forgotten because they do not get written down. All begging until they take their last breaths...

Joshua Ferris

2010-11-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful author at a recent reading: Joshua Ferris, author of "Then We Came to the End" and newest "The Unnamed." He was a pleasure in every way...smooth reader, friendly and modest, accomadating...he was really great. The last reading I went to we will not even waste time discussing except to say that the lady was snobbish and ready to leave before she got there. Joshua was relaxed and took time to answer questions, sign autographs, and answer more questions one on one. He signed my book with, "Best of Luck with your writing!" and told me I am truly a writer. (I had been lucky enough to have a short conversation about my muse and he was encouraging me that if my stories had to be told, to write - for I am a writer. I agree completely!)
I have been too intimidated to send anything to publishers - and I probably won't do anything right at the moment with all that is going on in my life. But I am more motivated to write, to let the story unfold...

NaNoWriMo 2010

2010-10-29T15:53:00.000-07:00

It is that time again - NaNoWriMo! I am about to embark on the challenge of squeezing in time to do what I love - writing! 50k words in 30 days!

If anyone is interested in being a writing buddy, please check me out! http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/596757

My story is "Sarah's Mistress."

Worst Nightmare Yet!!

2010-10-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

This was definitely the worst dream I have had in a lonnnnnnnnnnng time.
Background:
I stayed up until after 2:00 in the morning. I had a bad day and only a decent night toward the end. Things with my husband were bad, my job is really bad…you know, life.
I had been rolling things over in my mind. I know I need to talk to my husband about some things, but don’t know how. So I was thinking about that, and about cooking, about work, and about a friend’s birthday party I want to attend tomorrow and trying to figure out how to. Just lots of stuff in there. Also was thinking of how it would be nice to chat with a friend about my inner turmoil. I can see how a few of these played out in the dream.

The Dream:
My husband and I are arguing. I go to bed with him, because I just do not feel like arguing any more. But as we lie in bed and he falls asleep, I sneak into the garage with the phone that I retrieved from the kitchen and call a girlfriend (which I would never do in real life! I guess I had this part because of my desire to talk to her). There is lots of static, but I manage to talk to her a bit before we get cut off. I sigh and put the phone down on the counter.
For some reason, I look out of the tiny cracks in the folds of the garage door. I see a rusty, beat up blue van sitting in the driveway behind of my van. I am so tired that I think I must be seeing things. I shake my head and peep out again. It looks orange - like a school bus. I wonder what in the world is going on with that, but it cranks up and starts backing out and I see it is a large work truck - like the ones used in construction. It has a crane on the back. I run to wake my husband because I wonder what is going on. He looks out, but it is out of our drive and heading up the street. He is not worried about it. He sits on the couch and picks up the remote. After flipping through channels and finding nothing of interest, he sighs, gives me a dirty look - as if I would not already be aware of his anger toward me for waking him - and gets up to go to bed. I follow. I look at the clock and sigh. I am unhappy, angry, and still a bit scared, but I feel like I owe it to him to come to bed.
As I am lying there, I fall asleep. I am aware I am asleep, and I am dreaming about something just out of mind’s reach. All of a sudden, my daughter screams. It takes me a minute to focus. I jump up as she calls my son’s name and screams, “No!” over and over again. I fear my son is dead - or kidnapped…something horrible, too awful for words. I try to get to them, but I can’t move. Then I look back at the bed and see that I am still asleep. That is why I cannot go any further. I am back in my sleeping body, but cognizant of all around me. I am trying to scream. Trying to wake myself. I will myself to lash out at my clock that is on the nightstand on my bed, hoping that as it clatters to the floor I will wake - or my husband will wake and see what is wrong. I am scratching my headboard. My claws are scraping and pounding it uselessly as I once again see my sleeping form (and I am outside of it). I am on the floor pulling at the carpet with both hands. Begging. My fists are hurting from the beating of the headboard and my finger feel like their tips have all been cut as I pull at the carpet and try to scream, but no noise comes out. I am on my hands and knees. I realize I am making no sound, so I return to my body. My sleeping self is still trying to scream - attempting once more to knock off the clock. I tell myself to scream aloud so my husband will wake me. He will hear my scream. Dry throat. Not noise. I can barely breathe and my lungs feel as if they will collapse. I cannot give up. I still hear my daughter’s pleas. I SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM!!!
Finally, I make a groaning noise - not a scream - that wakes me. I feel like I cannot breathe and my chest hurts. (My hands are fine, however.)

After the Dream:
When I was really awake, I looked a the clock. 2:47. I sprinted from bed and went to check on my kids. The boy first, since my daughter had been worried about him in the dream. Both were fine. I couldn’t believe I had only been asleep a few minutes. It felt like an eternity! And because it had felt so real, I could not go back to bed. I was still so shaken!

I could feel everything, smell everything, taste the stale oil smells of the garage when I was in there….it was so real, so vivid. Yet, the sleeping self trying to wake me is the scariest thing of all.

Bullies

2010-10-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

Any way you look at it, bullies are cowards. Usually cowards who have been hurt themselves, but cowards nonetheless.

It seems like stories of bullying with horrific endings are cropping up everywhere. It is so sad! We are supposed to be a civilized nation, and yet...

Though most bullies are well aware of what they are doing, some are pranksters thinking they are being funny. Seriously? There is no such thing as being funny at another's expense! I joke with my friends all of the time, but not about personal things that are no one else's business. With the Internet and cell phones, pranks are carried out without really even thinking about the consequences. Just a few weeks ago, Rutgers student Tyler Clementi jumped to his death after a secret video of him with another guy was sent out by his roommate. I don't think his roommate was a bully - though he may have been. I think he thought it would be funny and did not think of the outcome - maybe didn't even care. But Clementi cared. He thought he could live it down, but just couldn't. Just a few days later, he jumped off of George Washington bridge.

Unfortunately, he is not alone. Kids prey on those who are vulnerable - gays, minorities, the lower classes - anyone who is different. These people are already trying desperately to fit in; to find their place. Then along comes errant friends who joke about things they shouldn't on a public forum, or a bully, and the already unbearable load overwhelms them.

I am reaching out not to the bullies - I think they could care less about anyone other than themselves anyway. I am reaching out to the outcasts to make a change. I want you to change your thinking. I challenge you to BELIEVE that you will have better days and strive to overcome the idiocy that surrounds you. There will always be someone who mistreats you. That is life for even the most "perfect" elite out there. But moreso for those who are different. Trust me. Things will pass. You think you cannot live that incident down because everyone you know is laughing or talking. You will live through it. Don't give up! You cannot change the butt-wipes. You can change yourself. See your value. See how absolutely precious you are. It may be hard to see yourself as you truly are because you are so used to seeing yourself through the eyes of idiots. Take a good look at yourself. You are so much better than that! You are so worth it!

I wish that Tyler Clementi had not given up. Just from reading about him, he seems to have had so much going for him. It was all taken away. But if he would have held out, he would have overcome this. Nothing in life is worth dying over. Nothing! Anyone who thinks about it, think about the one who is pushing you. Is he or she worth it? Definitely not! God bless!

Frightening Dream

2010-09-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah...I know. Not another dream blog! But, I can't help it. I just have those strange dreams...and this one was definitely not hot!

The Dream:
I am in bed. I am half awake, and I slide my arm around my husband's waist and pull close to him. With my body pressed against his, I drift off into sleep.
We wake. We linger in bed as we simply enjoy one another's presence. He kisses my fingertips gently...I caress his back...it is intimate, and the rest of our time together is the same. We look into one another's eyes. It is not sex; it is making love.

Skip ahead. We are at a church function. I do not see a church - just a building and some tables outside - we are seated outside. Yet, I know implicitly that it is at a church affair of some sort. I am sitting facing the building. It is covered with shiny windows that go nearly to the roof. It is one story and looks small, but the windows are reflective and makes it seem larger somehow. I can see the darkening sky and love the way the clouds look.
I catch my husband's eye across the crowd. He is talking to a group of people and smiling, so in his element. I smile at him and he winks discreetly at me. Someone is talking to me - a youth from our church - and I nod at the proper times. It is not that I find him uninteresting, I am simply enjoying the scene - everything is so benign. Benign. I feel that. Not "good." Benign. I look around for my kids. They are playing on the playground. I wave to them as I answer a question about one of the latest video games I have been playing. He has already beat it. That is typical. I laugh.
Suddenly, there is a flash of light and my stomach lurches. I jump up from the table and go to my children, somehow convinced that something terrible is happening. I holler to Ricky frantically. He looks irritated and several of the people are looking at me and whispering. I realize no one else is panicking. What is wrong with them? I wonder. My kids have stopped playing and are running to meet me, concerned, no doubt, over my obvious panic. My husband reaches me at about the same time I pick up my youngest.
“What is wrong with you?” he asks.
“We’ve got to go - NOW!” I demand. “Something is wrong! Didn’t you see that flash?”
“It was only lightening. You are making a scene.” His tactful way of saying that I’m embarrassing him. He takes my son out of my arms. “Go back and sit down.”
“But --“ I begin to protest, but his look is all I need to know that the conversation is over. I bite my lip and return to the table as he reassures the kids that all is fine.
I know that it is not fine.
I sit down. Dustin looks at me quizzically. “You okay?”
I fight back the tears and shake my head. I feel so helpless. I know that something is not right. I know it. But no one else senses danger. I see another flash - something whisk by in the reflections. “Did you see that?” I ask him. I know I sound paranoid, but I just can’t help it.
“It was only lightening. I think it’s going to storm.”
“No! It was something…I saw something fly past.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “you’re funny!” Then he returns to our video game conversation as though I never left the table. This time I nod, but my mind is on how to protect my kids. My husband has already gotten on to me - put me into my place. I almost hate him for that. But maybe I am wrong. He is the one who is almost always right about everything.
I see a huge object in the reflection. It looks white and is circular, but there are pieces breaking off. My mind is screaming “Ships! Those are ships!” but I cannot seem to process it. I cannot turn around. I am afraid it is real. Yet, I know it is, for everyone has gone quiet - even the children.
I finally tear my eyes from the mirrored scene and they lock with my husband’s. The naked fear in them catapults my body into action. I jump up and run to my kids. He glances at the giant ship with the smaller squares still falling off, then he is running, too. I grab my daughter’s hand and pick up my son in one swift movement. I am pulling her. I know my husband will catch up. It doesn’t take him long. We are running toward the woods. There are not many woods. I don’t know what we hope to accomplish, but we both dare to look back and some of the ships have landed. There are screams. Everyone scatters. I fall, throwing myself to the side so my son doesn’t get hurt. My shoulder slams into the earth. I have not even hit the ground before my husband had grabbed my son. My daughter stops, but I bid her go on. (My hand was ripped from hers when I fell.) I know I cannot look back and lose my footing again. There are strange sounds, and I somehow know that they are lasers. The screams seem to be coming from everywhere at once. I am running behind of my family. My white blouse has been ripped and I am so sore, but I refuse to give into the pain and put my family in more danger. Something hits me. It burns and I hear a blood-curdling scream. It takes me a moment to realize it is coming from me. I yell for my family to run…just keep running. I run, too. Somehow my daughter and I become separated from my husband and son. I am crying, and I slam her down into the dirt because I don’t want us to be seen. I feel something coming. Did it see us? I hold my hand over her mouth and my eyes meet hers. Tears are flowing down her cheeks. I cannot help but fear for my husband and son. I want to look for them, but I do not dare raise my head over the thick weeds…

Reality:
That was the end of it. I woke to the blaring alarm clock I don’t know what would have happened, but it felt as though we were all going to die. It scared me. I was messed up all day today as it replayed in my mind.
I do have good dreams sometimes…they aren’t all weird! I may just have to share one of those sometime. ;)

Hot Dream...WTF?

2010-09-17T04:18:00.000-07:00

Okay..so there is this guy that I am friends with - not close, just a fun little friendship with a co-worker. I don't see him much, but for awhile we worked together side-by-side and got to know each other pretty well.
He is quite a bit younger than I - sixteen years, actually - so I never saw him as anything even though he is really cute. I just enjoyed our conversatios and joking around.
Anyway, last week I had a dream about him and I wanted to be sure it was a fluke. I know I am not attracted to him and see him only as a friend, but the dream was...very steamy. I feel secure now that it was just a one-time dream, but now I wonder why I had it to begin with!
The Dream
I have to go over to his apartment to go over some papers. We are talking and sitting on the couch - nothing unusual - and I have brought my youngest kid with me because he was not in school. Everything is innocent. My boy is playing video games on the floor as we are talking about work.
But all of the sudden, things get odd. His hand touches mine as we are pointing at something on the page and sparks fly. We both look at each other and his face gets closer and closer to mine. I try to resist temptation, but find myself grabbing his neck and pulling him toward me - my tongue deeper entwined with his. It is very erotic and I remember my boy and say that we cannot do this and grab the papers. My son has not noticed anything and doesn't want to stop playing.
We leave and I think all is fine.
But a couple of days later, I see him and we talk about how awkward it was and how it will not happen again, only we somehow end up on his couch again (the dream just kind of jumps there) and this time my safety net (my boy) is not there.
We are kissing and things are really hot. We are all over each other and I climb on top of him and begin nibbling his neck as I remove his shirt. His hands are all over me and I am soooo...Anyway, we do not stop.

Reality
So, I really did not want to go to work the next day because I didn't want to see him. I was embarassed, yet had this really sexy feeling all day. I managed not to see him and by the next week, it was all but a memory. I don't see him as more than a friend, but wonder WTF all that was about!
(BTW: I am eat slam up with my husband and want no man other than him. I know this. This is why the dream shakes me up. When our marriage was not so good and I was younger, I had dreams here and there...but I also had stirrings then. I don't now. So I can't quite figure it out.)

Mary: A Moment of Marriage

2010-09-04T09:51:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who has shared her feelings of her marriage with me extensively. I think many of us can understand her laments. I will call her "Mary." (Yes...it is supposed to be funny! Mary = Marry lol)

Mary was at the doctor's office as her husband stayed home with the kids. She was sick with bronchitis yet again. A smoker, her husband always says that it is her own fault and if she cared for anyone other than herself, she would quit. He has never smoked cigarettes, so he does not understand how difficult it is to quit. He will only see how weak and selfish she is. She is nearly praying that the diagnosis will be allergies or something that he cannot blame her for, but she knows in her heart what it is even before the doctor confirms the diagnosis.
She leaves the office, dreading making the call to tell him there are three prescriptions - an antibiotic, cough suppressant, and an inhaler. He will be so thrilled!
He was livid! The whole tirade of her selfishness and how she costs them more than anyone in the household between buying cigarettes and paying her medical expenses. She does not even wince at the coldness in his voice. She was expecting this, and now she must let him have his say. She waits until he has finally said his piece and has told her where to take the prescriptions, since he will be picking them up. He tells her to hurry home so he can take the kids to the movies. She has to pick up a few things to make dinner with, and she walks briskly through the store, coughing the whole way through. She rushes to her car and is just getting in when the phone rings. "Are you finished in the grocery store? You need to pick up some lunch from the burger joint because you didn't make lunch before you left." She races through traffic and goes through the drive-thru ordering four burgers. At the window, she has a hard time finding her debit card, then hands the wrong card to the cashier. She is in such a rush that she does not immediately check the bag. As she begins pulling away from the window and realizes the bag is awfully light as she moves it from her lap. Inside is one lone burger. She jerks her car into a parking spot and runs inside. There is a huge line and she cannot get anyone's attention. As she stands there waiting, she looks at the receipt and realizes they only charged her for one burger, so she will have to wait in line if she wants more. She can't do that - her husband will freak! So she runs to her car and flies all the way home.
She calls him to tell him to give the kids granola bars for lunch and she has a burger for him. He yells at her for her stupidity. "Why didn't you check the bag at the window?" She tries to explain that she was doing the best she could do. "No, you didn't do your best. You never do...and now we're probably going to be late!" As she hangs up the phone, she screams into the air, "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!" She bursts into tears as she bangs her hand on the steering wheel and pushes harder on the accelerator. She is constantly checking her mirror for the blue lights she is sure will be on her any moment. Luckily, she manages to avoid that problem. She has composed herself so that her children do not see the tears that have racked her.
But when she pulls onto her street, she bursts into uncontrollable sobs and the overwhelming feeling of hopelessnss completely overtakes her. She wants more than anything not to see him. She knows that he will apologize to her - as he nearly always does - because he will know she has been crying. He will say that they do not need to argue since he won't be seeing her for a few hours and he hates to have her mad at him. She wishes she could leave and never look back, but she can't leave her babies. She wishes she could just die, but she cannot subject her kids to that either. She wipes her tears and grabs up her purse, the grocery bag, and burger bag. She bites her lip as the tears burn her eyelids, and forces a smile as she walks in and kisses her kids, who are both putting on their shoes and getting ready to go out the door.
She forces herself to think of the good things about her husband and tries to avoid his gaze so he won't know she has been crying. Maybe he will be in so much of a hurry... But, no. He sees. And he apologizes and goes into the speech that she expected. She tells him she loves him, but she wonders if that is a lie.
She is trapped. There is no escape. She will just have to focus on the good things and live out her life of these moments...It is the only way to live.

Night Journey: Extended Ending

2010-09-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

Jerry felt much better after washing his face and relieving himself. He had saved some of his snack for his wife, so he grabbed them and headed for the SUV. As he rounded the corner, he was puzzled by the emptiness of the lot. The one lone car was still at the other end, but his vehicle was gone. Judy! She thinks she is so funny! He mused. He looked around in the darkness, but saw no lights. Beginning to feel irritated and a bit uneasy, he pushed in the speed dial for his wife’s phone. Ring….ring….ring…ring…”Hi! You have reached Judy Melvin, Interior Designs, Unlimited. I am unavailable…”
He closed the phone. He was now really worried. Had she been pulling a prank, she would have answered her phone and laughed at him. He decided to walk down to the only other car. Gripping his phone tightly - and ready to use it as a weapon if need be - he approached the car. Empty! He looked around nervously as he began to dial the emergency number.
As the operator answered, he slowly made his way around the car - studying it intently. “Please state your name.“
“Jerry Melvin.” It came out so dryly that he cleared his throat and repeated himself.
“What is your emergency, Mr. Melvin?”
“My SUV and wife are missing...” As he gave her the details, he noticed something dripping from the back of the car. Bending down for a closer look, he saw that it appeared to be blood coming from the trunk - and a lot of it. “Oh. My. God,” he screamed as he dropped the phone and began to sob. Who had his wife? And what would happen to her?
_____________________________________________________________________________________

A state trooper was there in record time. He found Jerry sitting on the edge of the concrete, his head in his hands. Though there was a busted cell phone on the pavement behind of a vehicle, he could not be sure this was the guy he was supposed to check on - or that he wasn’t somehow mixed up in something with these murders. “Mr. Melvin?”
Jerry didn’t even look up, but nodded.
“I am Officer Trent. I’m going to need some information. Are you able to stand up and help me out?”
Jerry reached his hand toward the officer, offering him his wallet. “My ID and vehicle information are all there. When I travel, I have everything ready in case I get stopped. My insurance, tag info…everything.”
“Is this your car?“ he gestured toward the sedan.
“No!” he began to sob again. “I think…I think that there is blood coming from the trunk.”
Officer Trent walked to the back of the vehicle for a better look.
“I’ll be right back. Just sit tight, ‘kay?” The trooper walked back to the vehicle and called it all in.
Within minutes, more blue lights and sirens were arriving and Jerry was led away.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
As he was sitting in Officer Trent’s front seat answering questions, a report came in on the radio of a body. A female - stabbed in the neck and dumped on the side of the road less than a mile from the rest area. Jerry was in shock. “Oh, Judy!”
Another officer came to the window. “Did you get that?”
“Yeah.”
“She is not taking time to dismember. She is getting sloppy.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

A black SUV veers off of the interstate and comes to a screeching halt in the parking lot of a service station moments later. The woman inside looks around.
No one pays any attention to the newcomer. Distracted, a mother carrying a baby is talking on her cell phone and trying to open the door to her minivan simultaneously. A heavyset man is carrying a large cup of coffee and a candy bar to his vehicle. A couple of teenagers are laughing and cutting up at one of the pumps. So many people.
The woman in the black SUV steps out and grabs a large duffel bag. She has blood splattered all over her. She wipes some of it off and smiles sadistically. She does not even try to be discreet as she makes her way across the parking lot toward her next victim. She has her eye on the mother, who is now frustrated with juggling the baby, phone, and door handle. She does not even look up as the woman approaches, but others notice her strange appearance. The heavyset man walks over very quickly, coming to stand right in front of the young mother, who gasps in surprise. That is when he sees the knife. He throws his hot coffee right at the crazed woman and lunges forward. He has her completely pinned. The teenagers are already calling the police. Though the man has her down, she is fighting him. He does not relent.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Months later, George Dunlap’s physical wounds have healed, but he still has nightmares of the night he was attacked by the woman he now knows is Cheryl Greenly. As he is flipping channels, he comes across “News Now!” and the topic is “Serial Killers - Why They Kill.” His interest piqued, he stops to hear what they have to say. His blood runs cold as he sees Cheryl’s picture on the screen. He barely even hears what the announcer says before cutting to commercials. He wants to turn the channel, but he has to know.
When the program returns, Rick Rogers, the star of the show, has ditched his usual dazzling smile and replaced it with a serious look. He is talking in general terms about serial killers. Statistics. Names. Blah, blah, blah. He finally goes to a pre-recorded interview with Sam “Snail” Suggs - the man who killed thirteen people over a twenty year period. George does not care about those murders. He doesn’t want to hear about the next few. Finally, they get to Cheryl Greenly.
“Ms. Greenly would not allow us to film her interview. But I guarantee that we saved the best for last and you’ll have chills even without the visuals! This woman’s story is really something! Her killing spree was so vicious that it is almost impossible to believe that this woman came from an upper middle class neighborhood…”
George can not help but remember the feeling of her blade. His stomach is turning. It is with great difficulty that he turns his attention back to the program.
“…everyone thought she was Mrs. Happy Homemaker. How could such a sweet, mild-mannered lady turn into someone who could commit such grisly murders? We’ll find out after these messages!”
George sighs and realizes he had been holding his breath. He walks to the fridge and pulls out a can of beer. Popping the tab, he gulps it down quickly. He isn’t much of a drinker, but has had to have one here or there since that night just to calm his nerves. He returns to his recliner. The commercials seem endless.
Rick comes back on, recapping what viewers may have missed. Then he gets back to Cheryl’s story. “According to Ms. Greenly, she had lived a fairly good life in the suburbs, with good neighbors and many friends. She said that she had been laid off of her job and she and her husband were fighting more frequently. She had been depressed for several months, and the lay off had made things worse. She could barely get out of the bed before lunchtime most days. Her husband was never happy with the cleanliness of the house and she rarely cooked anymore. She decided that she had to pull herself together and get her life back on track. She got up the next morning and showered, dressed in her best clothes, and put on make-up. She even hummed to herself as she curled her hair. She felt better than she had in months. She spent most of the morning handing out resumes and filling out job applications. She had not realized that she had driven so far out of town to look for possible jobs, and decided to pick up some lunch for her husband and herself at a small restaurant she had passed. As she pulled into the parking lot, she realized that she may want to go somewhere else because there were no available parking spots that she could see. As she drove around the back side, she saw her husband’s car. At first she thought that she had to be mistaken, for Tony would be at the office at this time of day. But then she realized that it was definitely his. Her stomach aflutter, she went into the restaurant and saw what she feared: he was with another woman, quite cozily, and oblivious of everyone else around him - including her.
“Angry and filled with an intense hate that she had never felt before, she rushed home. She claims that she honestly intended to pack her bags and leave. But the more she thought about it, the angrier she got. By the time she got home, she was consumed by rage. She had devoted her life to making her husband a success. Sure, the last few months had been rough, but still. As she pulled into the garage, she saw a large black duffel bag on one of the shelves. She grabbed it and started tossing in tools from Tony’s tool chest. She didn’t think about what she was doing, she just acted. She went into the kitchen and grabbed some knives and put them into the bag. She doesn’t really remember all of this, she says, but she must have because she had one of her most expensive carving knives at her husband’s throat a few hours later. She barely recalls the drive to Tony’s office, but vividly recalls walking in with the duffel bag and passing his surprised secretary, the slight gasp as she passed her desk. She remembers thinking of what the poor girl must think of how she looked - hair all astray, runs in her hose, and carrying a big bulky bag. This would definitely be out of character to the always perfect persona she had put on before in his office. She smiled wickedly at the thought - and I had chills down my spine! I’m telling you folks, this woman could change like a chameleon! Anyway, she said that she went right into his door and tossed the bag into a chair. She said she smiled at the clanking of the tools. He was so surprised to see her. He was on the phone and put his finger up to let her know he would be a minute, then he turned toward the window. She recounted the deep satisfaction of slitting his throat as he turned around in his chair. The gurgling sound he made was most delightful. She said that she felt a thrill when she began stabbing him repeatedly. The more she cut into him, the more elated she felt. Said it was better than sex! Yeah! Okay! Anyway, she finishes finds several saws in the bag and cuts him up. She is covered in blood, but he has a restroom conveniently attached to his office and she cleans up as best she can, tosses on his jacket, and walks out nonchalantly. She whispers to the secretary as she walks by, “Best sex ever! He’ll need a few minutes before anyone goes in,” then chuckles and walks on. She takes her husband’s car, tosses her bag in the front seat, and just drives. She said she never even thought of anything else. She doesn’t even remember most of the other murders - or so she claims. She says her mind simply snapped. This is an intelligent woman - a former nurse with two degrees. She has a very affluent background and had everything going for her. Yet, she ‘snapped.’ Could this happen to your next door neighbor? Your wife? You? This is Rick Rogers signing off of ‘News Now!’ - until next week!”
George clicks the remote and the TV goes black. Another night. Another nightmare.

Night Journey: Installment 5

2010-08-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

When George opened his eyes, he was in a hospital room. “When did I close my eyes?” he wondered. He must have passed out or something. The nurse came in and checked his I.V.
“How are you feeling, Mr. Dunlap?” she asked, only seeming somewhat interested in his reply.
George’s mouth felt dry. “Just great,” he responded sarcastically.
She frowned at him. “There’s a Sheriff’s deputy out here waiting to ask you a few questions. I’m going to send him on in.”
“Yeah. Thanks a lot,” George mumbled. He did not feel like talking to anyone. He didn’t really feel much pain, just soreness. But he was drowsy and his head felt like it was swimming. He closed his eyes for a moment.
He answered all of the questions, giving as many details as possible. He was so groggy that he couldn’t remember much. A sketch artist came in and he described the woman. He remembered her clearly. The artist did very well at capturing her face – too well, in fact. His stomach lurched and he turned away from it. Finally, the officer seemed satisfied enough to leave.
Another nurse came in. He groaned as she came over to check his vitals.
“Hi! I’m Bonnie and I’ll be looking after you this morning. If you need anything, you just push this call button and ask for me.”
She was so jovial, and he just didn’t have the energy to be rude. “Thanks, Bonnie. Could you turn on some local news? I would certainly love to make sense of what is going on.”
Bonnie turned on the television and selected the proper channel before handing the remote to George. “So, you think you may have seen the serial killer, huh? I heard you were really lucky to get away. They said you lost a lot of blood.”
He shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it; he just wanted to hear about it. “I don’t know,” he said. “What do you know about it?”
“Not much,” she admitted. “All night the news has been showing the Waffle Iron and talking about the killings. At first they thought that a waitress there had gone off the deep end and killed everyone there – four other co-workers and two regular customers. They had speculated that Susie Spencer had just snapped. No motive. But then they found her body in the trunk of a car, so now they don’t know what to think. They found another car abandoned at a rest area. It had a body in the trunk; I heard it was cut into pieces, just like Susie’s. And one of the cops said that you had a run in with the killer and was stabbed.”
George had to let all of that sink in. It was all too incredulous. Completely unbelievable. “Did they catch her?”
“Her?” Bonnie mused. “So it was a woman after all?’
“Well, I don’t know if it was or not. But the one who stabbed me was a woman. What did they say about the sedan? Was it blue?”
“I don’t remember. Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “I’ve been really busy today with my rounds, so I’ve only heard bits and pieces.”
“That’s all right,” George assured her. “Thanks for filling me in, anyway.”
“No problem!” She smiled at him before she left the room.
George found the volume button on the remote and turned it up until he could hear the news. They were still covering the murders. It was so shocking for the small town. The owner of the blue sedan had been identified as victim number eight: twenty-four year old Rose Atwell. Her father was interviewed. He was too distraught to talk. Then they were asking for information. They described what she had last been wearing – Ms. Atwell’s clothes, as it turned out. He turned off the TV when they displayed the sketch of the killer’s face.

*************************************************

Jerry Melvin was tired as he pulled his SUV into the rest stop. He looked over at his wife, Judy, in the passenger seat, sleeping soundly. He would just stretch his legs a bit before waking her to see if she needed to use the restroom or anything, then she could take over the driving. He walked over to the vending machines and pulled out some change. Great! He had enough for a soda and some chips. He looked around at the deserted parking lot. Only one lone car sat dark at one end of the parking lot. There were no signs of life, so they were probably taking a short nap. There certainly didn’t appear to be anyone in or around the building. He enjoyed the stillness, the quiet. He took his snack with him and decided to use the restroom before bothering Judy. He didn’t see the woman with a huge tote bag opening his door and climbing between the seats and making her way into the back…

Night Journey: Installment 4

2010-08-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

When the deputy returned, he was too preoccupied to focus on George. He did ask if he had seen anything strange and a few other general questions as he swept the beam of his flashlight first into his truck, then into the bed of the truck. He must not have found anything awry, because he motioned him to drive around the cruiser. George could not make out anything that was going on as he carefully maneuvered around the car. Soon, he was driving along at a decent speed. But he could not shake the feeling that he was not finished with odd things happening tonight.
George had been driving a couple of hours when he came upon an older model sedan on the side of the road. There were thick black marks on the pavement, signifying that the car had not simply run out of gas. There was a woman leaning over the trunk, shoving something into it forcefully. She must have changed a tire or something, because her clothes were a mess. Her blouse was hanging out of her trousers, which were a bit too short. She just looked so pitiful that he could not just drive by, even if it did appear that she was about finished with whatever she was doing.
George pulled over behind of her to offer a hand. He didn’t pull too close, hoping he wouldn’t make her nervous. It was the middle of the night, after all.
“Excuse me, miss... You need some help?”
The woman did not move. She was messing with some tools, from the sounds of it. George walked slowly toward her. “I noticed that you were having some trouble and I thought I’d help you out…” He stopped dead in his tracks when she spun around to face him. At first he thought he had merely startled her, but she looked at him like she hated him. She had such contempt in her eyes – like he had somehow enraged her. It was definitely not terror. He slowly began to retreat. Maybe he was just imagining it, but with all of the weird stuff he had seen and heard, he was taking no chances. She reeled around so quickly that he was caught off guard. She had something in her hand, but he didn’t get a good look at it. He felt it slice into his side. He pushed her and she stumbled backward. He ran to his truck and jumped inside as she staggered to stand. He yanked the gearshift into reverse and hit the gas. Dirt sprayed out as the truck lurched backward. He didn’t bother going forward until he was sure he was far enough away from the other car. This had to be the woman who killed all of those people. He looked up and saw her straining to push the lid of the trunk down. She didn’t seem interested in him, but he was still getting out of there. He had seen the look in her eyes when she had stabbed him, like she was an excited little girl on Christmas morning.
He grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. Nothing. He was too far out. He had turned around and was speeding as fast as he dared around the curves. The trees seemed to be closing in on him, making everything so dark. He did not see any headlights in his rearview mirror, yet he dared not slow down. The pain in his side jolted his memory and he knew he had to put something there to slow the bleeding. He had a few towels behind of his seat, but he was not going to stop. He tried to think of something else. Paper towels! He had a roll on the passenger side floor that he had forgotten to bring in when he had cleaned his windows the other day. He slowed just enough to reach down and quickly grab them. Pulling off a huge wad, he pushed them into his wound. It didn’t seem to be too deep. He checked his rearview mirror, straining to see if there were any lights in sight. None. He sighed in relief and tried his cell phone again. No service.
He was feeling a bit woozy, but he didn’t think he had lost too much blood. He picked up his cell phone again. Just as he was pushing the number nine, he saw headlights speeding toward him. He began frantically flashing his own headlights at the approaching vehicle. The police cruiser slowed as it passed him and he was so glad to see its brake lights as it pulled off the shoulder and quickly turned around. He pulled his truck over and turned off the engine. The deputy warily came up to his window, giving a wide berth. He shone his flashlight into George’s face before he was even close.
“What seems to be the problem, Sir?” he asked cautiously.
“I need help…I’ve been stabbed,” George managed weakly. Perhaps he was worse off than he had thought – or maybe it was just the overwhelming relief that was making him light headed.
He was only dimly aware of the officer apprehensively opening his door and calling something in on his radio.

********************************************************

Night Journey: Installment 3

2010-08-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

Traveling at night was something George Dunlap had always enjoyed. He had always been a night owl, sleeping during the day and staying up all night. His mother had always said he would grow out of it, but at twenty-eight years old, he didn’t think so. He worked the graveyard shift Sunday through Thursday, so he liked to just drive on Fridays. He never planned where he would go, and was always fascinated by how far he would get. He usually did not see anything exciting, but tonight was different.
When he stopped at a gas station for a soda, the cashier and a shopper were talking animatedly, obviously highly agitated. Curious, he lingered by the magazine rack as he picked up snippets of the conversation. He easily made sense of part of it. A grisly slaughter had occurred at a greasy diner a few miles down the road. They were probably exaggerating, but he was interested enough to want to find out what they thought they knew.
“Did you say someone was murdered?”
The shopper looked pleased to have a larger audience. “That’s right,” she gushed, like she was feeding them the juiciest story of their lives. “You just don’t hear about crazy stuff like that around here, but at the Waffle Iron just a piece down the road from here, seems that one of the waitresses turned the entire grease pit into a bloodbath!” Her southern accent was thick and slurred, like she had been enjoying a few too many. And he thought she had definitely watched too many horror movies. Dismissively, he brushed past her and paid for his drink.
“A blood bath, huh?” He smirked as he started to leave.
The shopper was undeterred by his disbelief. She continued on as though he had begged her to finish. “My brother-in-law is a deputy. He called my sister and told her to lock the doors and not open them for anyone. I was in the middle of pulling a double, but she told me to go home right away. I had to stop here and warn Shelby first, of course. We have been, like, the best of friends since the third grade!”
“Yep. She’s a loony,” George muttered under his breath. Who in their right mind would talk about a horror of carnage so casually that she mentioned how she knew her best friend? He turned to go again, just catching her giving the gory details to Shelby. “Couldn’t contain the gossip is more like it,” he thought. He winced as he heard the woman squeal about how the killer – a chunky brunette who loved to flirt – had once told her in detail what exactly she would do if her boyfriend ever cheated on her. That tidbit of information could definitely have been left behind!
He figured he would take a different route just in case it was true. Some of these small town cops could be very suspicious strangers, and he did not want to spend his night answering stupid questions. As he settled into his truck, he did take the time to check behind of him to make sure no one had climbed into his cab. Nope, he was alone. “No chubby-killer-waitresses present!” he said aloud, somewhat amused.
So much for taking a detour before passing the Waffle Iron. He saw its bright neon sign long before he reached it, but there were no turn offs. Something had definitely happened there, though, because the place was swarming with cops. But he needn’t have worried. They paid no attention to him as he drove by. Soon he came to a fork in the road. The road that curved showed highway signs, but the other had no sign indicating where it would lead. Perfect! He would enjoy the journey much more if he were left clueless about his whereabouts. After all, where’s the adventure in knowing where you are?
He had been driving for quite some time before he came upon a road block. That was odd. Out here in the middle of nowhere -- in the middle of the night, no less. As he eased closer, he could just make out a small silver car that had obviously crashed into a tree. The trunk was open and there were several police officers standing over it. He wondered why they would be at the trunk. Wouldn’t the victims be in the car or on the ground? What could possibly be so interesting in the trunk?
He slowly came to a stop and lowered his window as a deputy came up to him with a flashlight.
“Where are you headed, Sir?” the young officer asked. He noticed that his name tag read “Everly.” Odd name, he thought.
George tried to smile nonchalantly as he answered, “Oh, just going out for a drive.”
Everly frowned. “Not from around here, are you?”
George cleared his throat. “Well, uh, not too far from here…”
Before he could finish, an ambulance came flying around the corner toward them and the deputy went to wave them on to the scene. George sat there and watched, squinting to make out any details that he could. He could not see anything, but he could swear that he heard someone say, “Yeah, that’s Susie from the diner…” He couldn’t quite catch the last bit.

Night Journey: Installment 2

2010-08-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

“Let’s get you out of here,” she said, as she helped Susie to her car. She could not help but notice the shoes she wore – hiking boots. Why would she be wearing those to work? Rose mused. “Do you know where the closest hospital is?”
Again, Susie shook her head from side to side. But she was staring at Rose intently. The corners of her mouth twisted in a grin that made Rose more than a little uncomfortable.
“That’s okay. We will find something. Just don’t worry.” Was Rose trying to comfort Susie, or herself? How in the world could she get this woman help when she was so very ill-equipped to do so? She had no cell phone, no first-aid skills, and she had no idea where she even was!
She had passed a Waffle Iron a couple of hours ago – could that be where Susie was from? Well, it could have been, but how could she know for sure. There seemed to be a Waffle Iron on just about every corner. Still, if it were, then was Susie the car that had passed her and put on brakes? Had she, too, been lost and turned around just as Rose had? Perhaps in her panic, she had been unable to calm herself enough and maybe that is how she had wrecked. “Poor thing!” Rose thought to herself. She certainly couldn’t ask anything more from this pitiful, helpless woman. “You’re just going to have to toughen up and think, Rosie!” she chided herself.
To Susie, she offered what little support she could. “Would you like a bottled water? I have a small cooler in the back floorboard. I always keep it fully stocked so I won’t be tempted to stop for a cola.” Susie put down her large tote, reached back and located the cooler. She got out a couple of waters and handed one to Rose. “Thanks.” Silence. She noticed that Susie grabbed the tote back up and held it to close to herself. It was bulky and also stained with blood. Rose thought she must be hugging it for comfort, which must be how the blood got on it to begin with.
“Um, I think I’ll put on some tunes. Maybe it’ll make you feel better,” Rose commented as she reached for the stereo. Susie’s hand was lightning quick as she harshly grabbed Rose’s wrist. Shocked, Rose pulled her hand back and put it onto the steering wheel once again. “Okay. Now that was really freaky!” Rose contemplated silently. She got a terribly uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.
It seemed as though the silence were filled with creeping fingers that were crawling up Rose’s spine. Something definitely was not right. The more she drove, the less concerned she was over Susie’s injuries and the more fearful she became. If she were really hurt, why was she so quiet? Was she mute? Her reflexes were certainly not slow. Of course, she had no idea what to expect from someone with severe injuries. Perhaps this was not so odd, after all. But she would have thought that she would be much weaker after losing so much blood. Maybe it just looked like a lot of blood. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Her grip earlier had nothing weak about it. Rose was beginning to really worry. Her stomach felt like it was gripped in terror. Why was she so scared?
She could not believe how quiet it was. Perhaps Susie had fallen asleep. Would that be safe? If she had a head injury, wouldn’t she have to stay awake? Rose couldn’t remember what she had heard about that. She stole a glance at her soundless passenger. Susie was staring right at her! She swerved as she let out a surprised gasp. All of the sudden, the car reeked so much of stale cigarette smoke and blood from Susie’s uniform that she felt she would wretch. Had the smell been so appalling the entire time? She groped blindly for the button that rolled down the window. Ahh…fresh air. She couldn’t bring herself to look over at Susie again. She was already doing everything in her power just to stay composed enough to drive.
She eased the gas pedal down, gently lest she attract too much attention to the speed. How long had they been driving? “Okay, now. Think about this. Why are you freaking out? Maybe there is a rational explanation for everything…” Rose’s thoughts trailed off as she noticed a sign ahead. She could just barely make out letters, but could not yet see what it said.
She turned to Susie and with a sigh of relief said, “I guess we are not so lost now! We should be able to get you some help really soon.” Susie’s penetrating gaze made Rose feel violated somehow. “Why doesn’t she say something? Anything?!” she wondered.
The sign showed that the next city was only twenty-four miles away. Rose increased the speed a bit more. There were fewer curves now, and she really wanted to get somewhere. Anywhere! Thankfully, there did not seem to be any stop signs. She would make it in less than thirty minutes.
She chanced another glance at Susie – this time fully expecting her zombie-like stare. She was still staring right at her, unblinking. But now she had a deeper frown. She looked intensely angry, like she was just barely holding back a rage that threatened to consume her. Rose quickly averted her eyes back to the road.
In a swift motion, Susie abruptly lurched toward Rose. Surprised by the sudden movement, Rose jerked away and jammed her foot on the brake. Rose could feel Susie’s hands wrapping around her throat, but she seemed powerless – like all of her strength had drained from her. She knew that she could not allow this strange woman to hurt her. She had to fight back. She had to do something. She recalled seeing something on a crime drama where a girl was being attacked and had escaped by head butting her assailant. She felt so weak, but she had to try. With all of her might, she slammed her head into
Susie’s. The last thing she remembered seeing was Susie’s sadistic smile.

Night Journey: Installment 1

2010-08-04T04:10:00.000-07:00

Rose could not believe that this was happening to her. She could not be lost -- again! She should have listened to her father about having the GPS device he bought her installed. He had asked her over and over again if she had gotten around to having it done, and had even offered to take it himself. But she had fibbed and said that she had a friend installing it. She couldn’t tell him that she was offended that he had even given it to her in the first place – that his constant remarks about “female drivers” were really getting next to her. He honestly believed that women could not possibly find their way out of a wet paper bag, and was amazed that there were not more wrecks with all of the women on the roadways. Ugh! Now she had to feel that he was just a bit right. But only a bit!
She looked around and tried to keep the panic from rising. She had no idea how she even ended up here. She had been so lost in her thoughts, and now she was surrounded by trees and had no idea when she had last passed any kind of sign. She reached into her purse and felt around for her cell phone. Pens, lip gloss, loose change, wallet, a piece of old gum—but no phone.
“Where’s my phone?!” she thought, on the edge of hysteria. She grabbed her purse and clutched it close to her – between her chest and the steering wheel. She frantically searched for her phone, only partially taking her eyes off of the road. She felt the car swerving and cursed. She loathed the thought of pulling over, but if she wrecked over trying to find that stupid phone… She sighed and hit the automatic door locks before pulling over. Her purse slipped when she turned the wheel. More curses.
Was that a shadow flitting by her window? “Okay, Girl! Get hold of yourself!” she muttered to herself. But she was already was maneuvering the car back onto the road. “Screw the phone!” she screamed. The piercing sound of her voice startled her and she laughed at herself. “Yeah – just talking to yourself is not enough. You gotta holler, too! Panicking over nothin’. What in the world do you think is out here in the middle of nowhere with you anyway?” She felt much calmer now. Turning the car to face the other direction, she passed the first car she had seen in hours. Somehow, that made her feel even better. “At least now I know I’m not in the Twilight Zone,” she thought. She noticed the car putting on brake lights and thought that was odd. There was nothing back there but trees. But maybe they were just as lost as she was.
A few moments later, she noticed headlights behind of her. The car crept closer and closer to her, the beams getting brighter and brighter in her rearview mirror. She turned the mirror up, feeling a bit uneasy. Then the car fled around her and she breathed out a sigh of relief.
All of a sudden, the car in front of her spun out of control and skid off the road. She slammed her foot down on the brake, barely missing the rear end of the other car. She watched in horror as the car crashed into a tree. Shaking, she put the car into neutral. She was barely on the road, but since there had been no other cars on the road, she didn’t think that would be an issue. She had to get out and see if everyone was okay. As she stepped out, she was chilled by the eerie silence. She had expected a blaring horn – like in the movies. But there was only a quiet hiss – and only if she listened really hard. She slowly approached the small silver car and noticed a figure bent over the steering wheel.
Carefully, she opened the driver’s door and asked if the person was all right. She felt more at ease when she could see that it was a woman.
“Are you okay?” she repeated when she didn’t receive a response.
The woman stared at her blankly.
“Here, let me help you out,” Rose said, reaching in for the woman to take her hand. She noticed the woman wore a uniform from Waffle Iron. It was covered with blood, but she could still make out the name on the tag: Susie. Rose was really concerned about how badly Susie was hurt. All that blood!
Susie’s lip curled up slightly as she turned to face Rose. She grabbed an oversize tote bag before she reached out her hand to Rose. With effort, Susie rose and leaned against the crumpled car.
“Susie, my name is Rose Atwell. I believe you may be in shock. You seem to have lost a lot of blood and I’m just going to check you out. We have got to get the bleeding under control, okay?” She was trying to calm her, but she really had no clue what to do. She was running on instinct – and late night reruns of dramas. Susie just stared straight ahead. The uniform was very loose, so it was not hard to lift the blouse and look for wounds. Nothing. Susie didn’t move, didn’t even flinch as the cold air blew against her stomach. “What now?” Rose wondered.
“Okay, Susie. I can’t find anywhere that the blood is coming from. Can you tell me where you hurt?”
“Do you have a cell phone, Susie?” Rose asked, anxiously. “I can’t find mine and we’ve got to get you some help. You’re bleeding.”
Susie shook her head negatively. She seemed confused, but she had the strangest expression – like a gloating smile.

Short Story Silent Villain Challenge

2010-08-04T04:05:00.000-07:00

Just over a year ago, Twitter writers came up with a challenge: Write a short story with a silent villian. Silent villian. Tricky. No speaking whatsoever - not even any thoughts! I was excited by the challenge and came up with "Night Journey." I never published it anywhere, so I am going to post it here in installments. I hope you enjoy it!

Killing a Character

2010-07-14T04:57:00.000-07:00

I am at a point in one of my stories where I must witness the death of a beloved character. I don't want to see her die. I was pretty sure it would come to this, but...it is so hard! She is not even real, but I feel like I know her better than many of my friends. I love her. *Sighs*
I guess there are parts of being an author that do not bring joy. And so, I mourn.

Let Freedom Ring...

2010-07-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

Our country was supposedly founded on the principles of freedom. Freedom. Liberty. Love. Is this what we, as Americans, typically think of when we think of our country? There are some who feel that we have no freedoms anymore, and others who feel there is too much freedom - at least in some areas.
Christians and homosexuals are at odds; different religions feel the knife of strife - even within mere denominations; races and ethnicities fight over nearly nothing...What is happening? America was touted as teh Melting Pot. We were supposed to get along and love one another. We were supposed to use our strengths for the better good. Our soldiers are off fighting wars that are not ours, while people here fight wars they have no business fighting.
Christians are supposed to love everyone. Races and ethnicities need not fight against one another. There is too much prejudice in our country. Not enough love.
For this Fourth of July, let us truly let freedom ring. Let us smile and love one another. Let us keep strife out of the equation. At least for a little while.

Beach Trip Nightmare

2010-06-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

So....Ready for another freaky, weird dream?

We were all slated to go to the beach for some fun in the sun - just a short day trip. I woke up after a frightening dream that left me really weirded out. What follows is the actual dream:

We are packing our van in the wee hours of the morning. Everything goes as it usually does: the kids are sleepy and get into their seats without murmur. We get on the road while the sky is still dark. My husband and I are talking quietly as he drives the long trip to the beach. We usually stop for breakfast about halfway, but no one is hungry - just excited to get to the beach. The kids play their handheld video games for the rest of the trip, and getting there early pays off with a good parking spot.

We unload our big blue and white comforter and cooler, put sunscreen on the kids, and head to the beach. We have tons of fun in the waves and sand, and hunt for shells before coming back up the beach to our spot for a snack and drinks. To our dismay, someone has put their things on top of our blanket. Only a small strip shows, and the cooler is still on the corner. My husband is so angry that he kicks their stuff off, grabs our things and announces that it is time to go. No one is in the mood for a snack anymore as the kids dejectedly slip into their flip-flops and whine about not wanting to go.

After everyone and everything is loaded in, we take off for home. The kids are soon asleep and my husband and I are not hungry, so we opt to drive straight home. We do not even realize how strange it is to not have eaten all day. It is dark when we pull into the drive and we carry the kids to their beds before unloading the car and going to bed ourselves, utterly exhausted. We wake to the sound of voices and crying. My husband is surprised to see my sisters and his mother standing in front of the house, talking and wiping away tears.

"I can't believe they're gone!" my eldest sister laments. "I just talked to her yesterday...they were planning to go to the beach and she was so happy. I just cannot believe it!"

"Who's gone? What is going on?" my husband asked, irritated now. My sister had the newspaper, showing it to everyone. She totally ignored him and he did not like it.

I tried to grab his arm as he went over to her. I felt an eerie feeling that things were wrong and I didn't want to know what was going on. But he walked over and grabbed the paper out of her hand. She gasped and looked around, astonished. Everyone started asking what happened. It was crazy!

My husband looked at the paper in horror. The headline: "Family of Four Dies in Late Night Fire." The picture underneath is of our home - burned, but obviously our home.

(Yeah...my mind is not right! Scary thing is, as we were really at the beach the next day, I paused once or twice and wondered...)

Strange Dreams

2010-06-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

I have been having some strange dreams as of late...really odd ones. I decided to share one, just for kicks.

She is walking through a forest in the twilight hour. She is not afraid, but seems to be in her element as she listens to the chittering of animals and chirping of birds. She smiles as she deeply breathes in the scents of her home.

As she continues walking, she comes to a place she has not been before. Perplexed, she wonders how it came to be here in her forest. It is an indescribable place...dark, mysterious, frightening. Her heart beats faster as she approaches the mass of writhing parts (that is the best way I can describe this place - it is as though the place is completely organic). Something grabs her!

Then I wake up. I don't know what it means or if I am the girl or anything. Just weird. So, you have your dose of weirdness for the day! ;)

Writing Projects

2010-06-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

It feels so wonderful to be getting back into writing! I am currently researching for a historic/famtasu piece that is fun, but not coming along as well as I'd hoped. It was the one I thought I would be focusing on the most, but I am also working on something for my daughter (YA/Fantasy) and it has become my central work - partly because my muses are really loud with that one, and partly because I let her read the first three chapters and she began begging for more. Seeing her face light up like when she reads her Percy Jackson stories made it easy to make that one the priority! (I expected her to read it as she reads many things-with interest, but not excitement.)
I'm so glad that my muses are not completely angry with me and are still speaking to me! It looks like it will be a great summer! ;)

Four-Year Anniversary of Mom's Death

2010-06-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

Four years ago today, I lost the light that guided me through the tough times - my mother. She was not perfect, but she was so full of love. She thought of others first (sometimes to a detriment) and loved everyone. It was she who taught me to love everyone and to accept all of God's people. I held no prejudices and embraced everyone - not making me popular, but making me happy and having a variety of wonderful friends.

I am thankful for the time I had with my mom. It has only been 4 years without her as opposed to the 61 years that I had her. But it seems like an eternity. Now all I have are memories and the lessons I learned from her.

I don't know how to feel today. I just feel blah...but not necessarily bad. I know she is in a better place. I miss her, but her last years on this earth were so ful of suffering that I can have peace.

Here's to you, Mom! I love you!

Not even a Staycation...

2010-05-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day weekend...

We had planned on going to the beach, but then found out that my husband would be needed at least Friday and some today. So, we decided on a closer destination, but then I had problems with the fuel pump in my van. (His van is not the most reliable vehicle.) My van will not be ready until Tuesday, at the earliest.

We discussed a "Staycation," but didn't feel like putting too much effort into anything. So, we went to McPlayplace for the kids today, and will go to the new Shrek movie Monday. (We have a family reunion tomorrow with hubby's family, since we are not going to be gone.)

I thought I'd be disappointed, but decided to use the time wisely. I got up this morning thinking of all the spring cleaning I would accomplish. Then I thought, I have all next week to do that. I have my family today, so I'm going to relax and do as much "nothing" as I can! Though that was enjoyable, I'm already bored with it and cleaning up! lol

So, I will enjoy my time with my family, get a few things done, and smile at the life that I have been given. :)

What to do about feeling unloved...

2010-05-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

What is one to do when he or she is not receiving enough (or the proper) attention at home? Love yourself. You must not look for love from others to validate yourself. You must look to God and yourself. If you do not, you could be in more trouble than you bargained for.

It is all to easy to fall into a trap when you feel unloved by a spouse, partner, boy-or girlfriend...but you must be strong. Just today an attractive, well-to-do gentleman tried twice to catch my eye. I thought he had done so previously when I had seen him, but shook it off. Today he was more obvious. I don't know if he knows I'm married or not, but I know I'm married. I looked away on both occasions and did not look at him otherwise. I was flattered, but did not let him know that I was.

My point of this encounter is that it could have so easily gone in a different direction. I could have sought affirmation and returned his gaze, flirting or smiling at him - which would have led to other things. Would I have felt loved? I would certainly have felt desired, but not loved. I would have been less happy than before in the end. I have seen it happen too many times in my friends' relationships.

It is so easy to veer off of the path that we are on and get lost in the dense trees of the forest, often finding our way back to the path too late or not at all. LOVE YOURSELF! AFFIRM YOURSELF! If you do not, you cannot expect anyone else to!

Blessings

2010-05-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

Blessings are not always seen because we do not always look for them. If we choose to be negative and pessimistic, we will not see the good in things. If we choose to be positive and optimistic, we will have an easier time overlooking the bad and seeing good in even the most difficult situations. So...look at things the right way, and be blessed!

Integrity

2010-05-22T17:50:00.001-07:00

What has happened to integrity?

It is no longer a custom in business practices, nor is it practiced socially as it once was.

When you give your word, you are giving a promise. But people do not take what they say seriously. Just the other day, my son was supposed to get a prize from the prize box at his preschool for having six consecutive days without misbehavior. His teacher offhandedly said, "I took the prize box home, but I promise I'll get you something before the end of the day." He beamed, but I noticed she was not focused on what she was saying. Sure enough, she didn't come through. He was crushed! At his next class, I gently reminded her that he was supposed to get a prize. (He had missed a class in between, so I was sure she had brought the prize box back.) She got an attitude and said, "I'll go get him a sucker from the office, okay? I don't have the prize box here..." I let it go, but it really bothered me that she was not modeling integrity. I know he will learn more from her than what she teaches - much more from her life.

Well, I had a houseparty.com party tonight. I had invited 30 kids (not including adults). I ordered tons of McNuggets from McDonald's, and 3 gallons of tea. I bought 8 bags of chips, 16 2-liter sodas, a bunch of prizes for the games... I also spent a lot of time on making decorations and such. How many showed up? 2 adults; 2 children. I was hurt and angry - especially when I had several people to RSVP. I would not have spent so much time and energy...I would have made it a casual party for just a few. UGH!

I wish people would understand how important their word is. If your word is not true, than neither are you!

Time for...

2010-05-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

I thought I would have more time during the summer. I was so excited to finish classes and be able to be free to do other things. I realize now that I never have time, because I fill my time too quickly. I have replaced homework with visiting friends (which I do enjoy immensely), spring cleaning, and exercise (which I love and have misses so much!). I have not spent much time writing, because I have been so busy.

So...I realized I must make time. Time for...
...writing...
...myself...
...my family...
...my friends...
...LIFE!

I must structure and organize my time better. I will never have time for anything if I don't.

I'll keep you updated on how it goes! lol

Finally Free!

2010-05-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

I don't remember a time of school where I felt so trapped, but I am finally free! I had a couple of good classes, and have made two B+ and one A+ so far (the other grade -for the graduate course- is not in yet), but...
Last semester was so fun and I felt connected. This semester...not so much.
Yet, I am thankful that I did well considering. I spent so much time on homework. I'm going to try not to do that next semester.
On my final Tuesday night, I think I did quite well. I was blessed by Hodgkin's leniancy on my final paper, for it was not up to par (thanks to my wonderful pc, she notes dryly). I am looking forward to having some time to write - and catch up on my blogging ;)
I'll be back soon! MUAH!

FaceBook..A Whole New World

2010-05-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

I was in a small bakery today and an elderly gentleman was behind of me in line. He was talking about technology and how it seems to be ruining the world. I said that the Internet is great and that I use it for connecting with friends every day. I also told him how Twitter and FaceBook actually help you to spend time with them. I feel like I'm actually talking to them -- seeing their faces and "texting" them... I even miss them when I don't see them on there. He just shook his head at my unfortunate lack of a life. I know that actually seeing people in person is nice, and I enjoy it myself. But it is so much easier in this busy time to connect using the Internet. I use it far more than my phone (including cell phone) to "talk" to my friends. It made me really think...FaceBook really is a whole new world - a world I am glad to live in!

Bad Day & No One to Talk To

2010-04-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

I feel so alone! I know I’m like a blubbering idiot right now, but I can’t help it. I’ve tried not to cry, but I’m so broken! Doesn’t he (DH) understand that sometimes I just need to bawl? I don’t usually allow the tears, but dang! My final paper screwed up! I’ve been working so hard on it! That in itself is enough (and was enough) to start the waterworks. But then I go downstairs to find that one of the kids spilled yogurt milk all over the place in the fridge - drained out into the floor and under the friidge. It was everywhere! It took me over 30 minutes to clean that up, and I was trying to cook at the same time. On top of all of that, I’m exhausted and my medicine is making me drowsy. Yeah- I have sinusitis! The doc gave me lots of crap to pump into my system. Yippee! I haven’t been able to sleep because of the breathing problems (which I thought was bronchitis, but, hey, I’m not the doctor!). So, here I am, reduced to nothingness and still having to rewrite that paper - which was really good before my crappy computer messed up! (He said I should have just used my laptop. Yeah, except there’s a ton of research on my pc and I emailed everything from my laptop, so everything was up here on the pc. What makes sense?! And that I should have had it done already. Well, I’ve been working on it. And in the last few days, it is all I have worked on. Oh - and I sent in crap for my dance class because I had less than 30 minutes to get it turned in. Thankfully, I had been working on it earlier in the week, or I would not have had anything! I forgot it focusing on Milton!) I know it is my fault in the end. I should not expect so much of myself. I also got really interested in reading the essays critiquing Milton - some of the best writers…So, I guess I should have just shut all that out. Had to read Asimov though! Love him! So now I think I am calm enough (and have stopped crying enough) to get back to that paper. Got my books, and my documented notes - and my coffee. (Yeah - I’m allowing myself coffee tonight. I freaking deserve it! lol) I’m ready. I’m not ready to give up just yet. Not just yet. Oh, and DH is certainly right, I’m just too sore to see it! J

Thanks for listening, Peeps! I’m really sorry I haven’t been blogging lately, but I’ve had a full course load this semester. Summer is almost here and I’ll have more time - for blogging and finishing up my novels and working on my D&D stories. I’m going to get better. I’ve lost a lot of followers, and I thank those of you who have hung around. Love and Peace - Ymoinda out!

Gone Forever

2010-02-13T17:40:00.000-08:00

I just found out my precious Daddy died. How? My insensitive sister left a message on my answering machine: "Hey, I guess [Brother] called and told you about Daddy passing. Anyway, I was just wondering if I could take [your daughter] out..."
I was so sure that I had heard it wrong that I replayed it three times. After the third time, I noticed that I had been crying. I guess I realized on some level that I was hearing correctly. My husband came in as I was wandering around in circles and asked what was wrong. I played the message - watching his face as I prayed I had heard wrong. But then he said, "I'm so sorry." I felt like the heartbreak was too much to bear. The pain was nothing compared to what I felt when I called my brother and asked him for details. He passed on February 3rd.
FEBRUARY THIRD!
He had tried to call me, but had the wrong number. Well, both of my sisters have my number - even if he had it wrong. Why did they not try before tonight to get in touch with me?! He was buried Thursday. They would not bury him until they found my brother - his only full son. (He raised me and my sisters. He was my daddy.) My family has always been screwed up, but this takes the cake! I did not even get to go to his funeral. I did not get to say good-bye. My kids didn't get to see their only living grandpa to say good-bye.
I cannot deny the anger, but the pain is far greater. I miss him so much! I've thought so much about him lately, but now it's too late. Too late.
Don't put off seeing those you love. Don't be too busy. There will always be things to do. But the ones you love will not always be there.
Daddy was not even 55 yet. He was getting ready for work and had a heart attack. Gone. Just like that. Gone. Gone forever.

Busy

2010-01-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

I am busy. No doubt. But some of my busy moments are ones that should not be busy at all!
Writing:
I have started typing up the D&D from our game nights, but I'm nowhere near finished.
I have picked up my NaNoWriMo and am intent to finish it, with about 40,000 words now. (I expect to finish by the end of this week since school starts next week.) I am a bit concerned about the subject matter, but I love the story and my muses won't leave me alone anyway.
Home:
I have organized all of the downstairs except for my bathroom (which I started today and should finish tomorrow).
I still have a ton of pics (on computer and with scrapbooking supplies) that I haven't gotten to.
Work:
I am looking for a job for a few hours a week, as that is all I can spare. I will have to update when I find something.
Life:
I am working on being more positive. I am a work in progress!

My Thimble

2009-12-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking so much about my baby lately and decided that he should be on here, too. This is Thimble, my dwarf hamster. He is over a year old (over half of his life span) and I love him dearly. He brings me great joy. He is so sweet and he knows my voice. When he rolls around in his little yellow ball, he will come to me if he hears me talking! I hold him lots, but my daughter holds him even more than I do. He is spoiled to being held, but if he does not feel like being held, he will just not come out of his cupcake house!

Wiped Out!

2009-12-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

I know I should be writing on here more, but I have been so wiped out! Exams are kicking my butt! One more and I'm done (for a while, anyway!).
I have been so busy that I have barely written anything (homework-related does not count), and I have noticed that I have not been very happy as of late. I NEED to write. Ink flows in my blood! I miss it!
So...I will write beginning tomorrow! Write whatever-so long as I write!

Exams!

2009-12-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

It has been a horrible week! I had my Spanish oral on Monday (and simultaneously found out I only made a B on the last exam!); I have essays due all week; and exams begin on Monday of next week! Ugh!! I am making an A in all classes, at least. (Well, I'm not 100% sure on the Spanish 4 class. It may be a B. But definitely A in the 3 English courses.)
I'm glad it is almost over, but I made some really cool friends that Iwill miss. I'll keep in touch with a couple, but by and large I will lose touch eventually. I hate that! Oh, well. Life is a stage (or so the greatest of greats once said). Stage has dual meanings, and this stage is almost past...

Birthday Laptop

2009-11-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

So... if anyone has been keeping up with my blog, you may remember that I killed off my last laptop (accidently, of course) recently. I was hoping Santa would bring me a new one, but -- even better -- my hubby bought me a brand new hp with 15.6" screen, printer, fan...the works. AND he bought a 2yr replacement plan in case it comes to an early demise. (I really and truly am not a serial laptop killer! lol)
I ran around singing and dancing "Birthday Laptop" (to the tune of "Birthday Sex") all day. Then I started adding different words..."Birthday -Cake; -Lunch; -Sex (of course!); -Presents..." My boy was singing "Birthday Lunch after my rendition as my daughter begged us to stop! Lots of fun!
I also received the Barbie as Bella and Ken as Edward (with sparkly skin!) dolls, lots of cool books and a Shakespeare chronology, new Denise Austin workout dvd, Def Leppard greatest hits cd... All of my passions and interests! (My husband and kids are so great!)
Well, it's a bit late for me to catch up on my NaNoWriMo (I'm at just under the halfway mark with only a couple of days left.), but I've been working like mad on it nonetheless! I have spent my fall break more on it than homework! Oops! I am not trying to neglect my homework, but I really want to finish my NaNoWriMo. I have the voices speaking to me, but not the time to type. (The laptop will change that, but it is not even opened up yet!)
So...Happy Birthday to me...Perpetually 33...Happy Birthday, Ymoinda...Happy Birthday to me!
And many more...

To Fear, Or Not to Fear

2009-11-15T18:31:00.001-08:00

I have been living in fear for far too long now. I mean, sure, I have those legitimate fears (of something happening to my kids...), but the fears that eat me alive are the trivial, everyday fears that have no place in my life.
Over the summer, I took control of my life and kicked many of these inconsequential fears to the curb. Seriously -- I was afraid to cross busy streets! HOW RIDICULOUS! So, I cross streets now without even blinking an eye. How did I get past the fear? I made myself do it! I crossed streets in D.C. and in Greensboro over and over until I could do it without being afraid.
Easy enough, huh? Not for me. I had a really hard time with it. Though I look back and shake my head in wonder that I could have ever even worried about such.
Well, I got over the "crossing water fear" and the "crossing the street fear" and the "looking people in the eye fear" -- well, not quite over that last one yet.
My point is, I faced my fears and came out better for it. But then I just stopped trying to face any more of them. I've decided that I just have to take the reins of my life back yet again and go after the big fears -- really chase them down.
So if you see a large woman chasing after the Boogey Man, that's me!
I hope that if anyone reads this, he or she will be challenged to face the fears in his or her own life!
P.S. My husband wants me to chase the "Fear of What People Think About Me." Hmmm.... I think I'll have to be a bit stronger before I tackle that one!

Death of a Beloved Friend -- the Laptop

2009-11-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

I have dropped my dinosaur of a laptop on more than one occasion, but this last time it did not recover.
At first I could not come to grips with the fact that it was truly dead. In denial, I took it to a repair shop and had my heart broken into a million pieces when I was told that the only way to revive it would cost several hundred dollars -- and I could buy a new one for that.
I was devastated, but finally said my farewells. I asked the repair man what could be done with it and he advised that Goodwill has a program that teaches people to fix them. It will probably only cost a small amount for the parts, so they will be able to resell it after it is fixed. (The labor is what costs the most, as it is "labor intensive" to fix.)
So even though my dear friend is dead and gone, its remains can be beneficial and it will live on in someone else's lap.
I can take some comfort in knowing that it is not forever lost, and some day I may even see it again.
Now, I have no choice but to make priorities of my time because all things done on the computer must be done upstairs, alone and cold.
(Okay, it is not really cold upstairs. I've just been spoiled by being able to be in the midst of the excitement in the living room far too long!)
Alas, all good things must come to an end!

November will be busy!

2009-11-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

I have been neglecting my post here as I played a role on an internet site for Twilight fans. I signed on to be "Kebi" - of the Egyptian Coven as it was a small part, but I so enjoy role-playing -and writing- that I got carried away and spent more time researching for it than I did for school work or my novel project! (Yeah - I signed on for NaNoWriMo for the first time. I signed on a few days late - was so in fear of failure that I was petrified temporarily!)

Things happened and I am no longer role-playing Kebi, but I will still have a very busy month. (I so enjoyed playing the character that I may post a few stories I created for her.) I plan to catch up on my NaNoWriMo, and I also have exams and will be coaching (as assistant coach) my daughter's basketball team. Though the games do not begin until the beginning of the year, practice will start sooner. I had her out today (as it was beautiful here) doing drills and playing one-on-one. Loved it! I had a blast 1-on-1 with DH for a few minutes so she could see how the offense and defense works, and that was fun, too. (I then had an exercise routine when I got inside, so I got a really good work-out today!!)

Oh! I almost forgot that my birthday and Thanksgiving are also this month! Lots to do! I am striving to do better with my posts here. I already know it will be a hectic month, so at least I can plan to put some short ones up.

Why Bother?

2009-10-26T20:05:00.000-07:00

I often think of my one follower (Thanks, Dave!) and realize that there really is not anyone out there besides him that even reads my blog (and, admittedly, he may not). So why do I even bother writing it? I am compelled to write - period. Whether I write here or on a sheet of scrap paper, I must write. If I am the only one who ever reads what is written, then so be it! I am content simply with the therapeutic action of putting down my thoughts.

Here's To the Unknown Future

2009-10-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

I took time to speak with most of my professors last week and I was excited and nervous about my academic future. I spent a great deal of time with my favorite teacher and, because I trust her judgment entirely, I asked her advice on preparing for graduate school. She was completely honest (as I expected her to be) and I appreciated her frankness about the difficulties facing English majors desiring to receive a PhD and work as a professor in a university. But it was quite a daunting conversation and I left with a new weight on my shoulders as I pondered the questions that were opened.
Of three things I am absolutely positive: 1. I am an English major and I am not intending to change that. 2. It may be difficult and I may have to sweat blood and tears, but this is my path and I will not divert from it no matter what. And 3. I am irrevocably and utterly in love with Edward. Oops! That was Bella’s line! (lol)
Seriously, though, I have a tough road ahead of me. I inquired as to what she thought about my decision to be a professor and she is not sure that I will enjoy it. I do feel that she knows me well as a student, as I have had her for two classes this year and have talked openly and honestly with her. I cannot see me doing much of anything else (aside from writing – which I will do no matter what!). Maybe a librarian. Maybe a counselor. I don’t know – what else is there for a bookish nerd with a free spirit? Nothing fits me quite like the title of “English Professor”. I have worked in many fields and only truly enjoyed those which allowed me to utilize my creativity (dancer; florist…).
I took the rest of the week to reflect and I pondered my mother’s life. She wanted to live life fully and enjoy what she wanted while she was here. She claimed she would die happy, at least. Yet her life was plagued by misery brought on by her poor choices and she died in despair, pain, and desolation. I made changes in my life to be healthier and I have been much happier. I love exercising and I can see the positive changes that eating better foods have made. My life is not complete, by any means. But I am on my way. I hope to spend some time each day dancing, singing, laughing, and living. I will let the future work itself out. It is in God’s hands and He knows exactly what He is doing. I only wish that I could know what the future holds for me. Only time will tell…

Wish List

2009-10-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

My “5 Things” Wish List:
If I could do anything, have anything, be anything…

1. I would have a kick-ass motorcycle (Harley-Davidson, perhaps?). It would be black (maybe metallic?) with lots of chrome. My helmet would be tough – black and with a single helix or something distinctively “me” on it.

DH says I cannot have a motorcycle until the kids are grown. They are such dangerous machines and I already can’t drive, according to him. So I am counting the days on this one!

2. I would totally kick-box. I know it is not glamorous, but it is so fun! I was able to spar with my little brother (so young – 24 years old) the other day and I had so much fun. I REALLY need a sparring partner!

My husband is not interested! He does not like the bruises I received from the sparring encounter and he does not want his lip busted. (Sorry, Little Bro!)

3. I would like to be bold enough to be a published author before too long. I do believe I will be published, but I am not taking my writing seriously enough.

DH is very supportive of my writing, so long as it is nothing “improper.” Though I do enjoy writing some steamy romance scenes, I try to keep it all PG-13. (He doesn’t want anything over G, I believe!)

4. I am still undecided about getting a tat. I was leaning toward it, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve seen lots of nice ones, but I’m not sure about getting something that defines me etched into my skin right now (when I’m probably going through a mid-life crisis).

DH is okay with this one so long as it is small and tastefully done. No problem there. I don’t want anything too big. Though some large tattoos look good on certain ladies, I am not one who would be able to pull it off!

5. I want to go on an archaeological dig. I have always been fascinated by archaeology and anthropology, and I would be fascinated by being part of a dig.

DH is not on board with this one. He does not share my passion for getting dirty and sweaty with nothing to show for it. ;) Perhaps one day when the kids are grown, it will happen. I absolutely loved Aurora (NC – They have a phosphate pile that people are allowed to dig in for fossils at the Aurora Fossil Museum.) – DH had to drag me (and DD!) away after several hours there. I could have stayed there for days!

My list would go on forever if I could list superpowers and other such non-existent, impossible desires. Or things that are over PG-13 ;) But I decided to keep it based in real possibilities.

Sleep, Elusive Sleep

2009-10-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

It would seem that eventually one's body would cave in to the utter need for sleep, yet mine continues to go on pitifully like a deflating balloon. For some reason, sleep eludes me. I crave it, yet it does not desire me -- it runs from me as I chase it, looking like some kind of depraved lunatic.
What does this have to do with anything? Nothing! When you are as sleep-deprived as I am, you cease making sense and begin rambling about running after sleep! Oh, the insanity! ;0

Drowning

2009-10-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

Drowning
I feel like I am drowning in the depths of despair –
I know there is light above me, but I cannot see it there.
I should reach out; I should attempt to care –
Yet I have no strength with the weight I bear.

Down,
Down,
Down,
Into the deep –
Down,
Down,
Down,
I slowly creep.

No light, no sound – all is dark and dismal here;
No love, no joy – hope will never reappear.
Drowning, drowning; no longer overcome by fear –
Time to send farewell to all I once held dear.

This was a depressing poem written at the spur of a moment. Nothing special, but has thought-provoking depth.

Lost, But No Longer Looking

2009-10-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I have decided that my blog is not going to be about finding myself. I do not care to seek -- I care to write. So, I have decided that I will post more writings and less self-examinations. I have been wanting to do this, but have not had the time. Wow! It's been over a month since my last post!
I will also be posting the stories from the Dungeons and Dragons game I am participating in. I just want to have fun with this -- and I will probably find myself somewhere along the way. (And if I don't, so what?!)

Blah, Humbug!

2009-09-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have been kind of feeling blah the last few days. I don't know why -- it is not a time that I should. I really hate the blahs.
I think it’s more of a woman thing. You know, you don’t see many men (though there are a few, as there are exceptions to every rule) walking around sighing and wondering why no laughter will come.
I think mine are coming more frequently with age. I am 37 and have begun to question the purpose of my life. (Yeah, I have gone through this at other stages in my life. But now I have issues to go along with the questions.)
So, what is life? It is so fleeting, so pointless. Is there pleasure to the journey to make it worthwhile?
I think that life is truly what you make of it, as the saying goes. But as of late, I am having a hard time knowing just what to make of it.
I would love to have any thoughts on this.

Possibilities of Writing

2009-09-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

This is my quote in response to Joanna Young's 30-word challenge of what writing accomplishes:

The power of writing exceeds any other means through its permanence. Imaginations can be broadened and minds opened. The potential of influence is only limited by the author’s imagination.

http://confidentwriting.com/2009/08/how-does-writing-help-to-make-things-possible/ofWriting

A bit about me now...

2009-09-08T06:26:00.000-07:00

From the title of my blog, you probably have realized that I am in a period of self-discovery. I am a junior in college (yeah -- really late!) and have just begun to realize that there is more to who I am than who I am married to or the parent of.
This journey actually began at the beginning of this year when I met someone who changed my view of myself. Seeing myself differently was confusing and difficult, but I finally came to terms with the fact that I am not simply who I am, I am who I want to be.
As I chronicle my journey, I will learn more about myself (as will you). I always learn through writing. I will not divulge anything that will embarass my family, but otherwise...
I am not promising everything to be comfortable either, for life is not one-dimensional.
And so, let the (written) journey begin!